Unable To Stay; But I'd Like To.
by Phoenix Rising
Summary: The dying thoughts of an ex-Loco. She muses on some stuff that's quite depressing; like most of my work! R&R Peeps!


Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave  
  
Love  
Zoot  
Before  
The City   
Railyard  
Spike  
Freedom  
Home  
Pain  
Death  
  
Love? What is that today? We live in a post-apocalyptic society. Any fool can see that. I'm not a fool, I know that. Love doesn't mean what it did before. Love isn't about courting, marriage and starting a family now. I can really see couples of kids going to the burnt out cinema to 'watch' a film in the back row. Love is about regeneration. It's all about enforcing numbers in your Tribe. So that's why it happens. Look at the Chosen's Princess for example. She's showered with praise, but Brady is just another baby. What kind of life will she have? The Child of Zoot. I don't want to even think about that.  
Zoot; he's a god now. He was a monster. Of course he was, he had so many people put to death. The people who accused him of that didn't know him like I did. Yeah, I was just another lackey, just one of the countless female militia, but I'd like to think we had something special once. Maybe before, maybe a little way after. I still don't think he deserved death. That Mall Rat, it wasn't his decision to put Zoot to death. I thought Bray; Zoot's brother, would have stopped Lex. Maybe I thought wrong of Mr. Compassion.  
Before. Before what? The apocalypse? One man's mistake wiped out the entire adult population. I saw my whole family die before my eyes and knowing he died too isn't enough, Those skeletons the Mall Rats found on Hope Island and Eagle Mountain were to blame too. The faults of one single company caused society to crumble and consequently caused everyone I cared about to be torn from my side.  
The City. Thank god for that. The Tribe Circus casino in Sector fifteen, the Mall in Sector nine, The Demon Dogz in Sector ten. Now I can hide in blackened buildings; hiding my dignity, hiding my frail frame. I know there's a lot of people out there who'd love to get me. Ebony and that Demon Dogz guy for two. The City, I'm sure I'd prefer it in the country now; this place holds too many bad memories. Too many reminders of Zoot; of Power and Chaos. The rooftops still echo to the ring of his voice as he chanted those words. The words that made so much more sense back then. I can still hear him beating inside my heart.  
Railyard; my home for a brief period. Of course I know my way around the city, I know where the Locos used to go, where the Demon Dogz hang out and where those vicious perimeter Tribes hunt. The railyard always seemed safe to me. I know it wasn't, but it felt it. It always had. My father took me on a steam-train from there once; it was always a happy memory. I always felt protected in my carriage, safe in the knowledge that my Nirvana would drown out the present and take me to the past. Even when it was I and I alone who had to prowl the fences with my nightstick; I felt safest.   
Spike; the bastard. I am so glad the Chosen bumped him off. Of course I know it was the Guardian. I do have informants, I do have ears everywhere. Spike was so cruel to me, he always treated me like a cheap whore when all I wanted was to be loved and protected by one person; by Zoot. After Zoot died, Spike really tried to dig his heels in. Ebony was in charge for a bit but she joined those damned Mallrats and left us for dead. I always thought she'd stick with us. With me really. And her sisters. I hate them all now; Ebony, Java, Siva but most of all Spike for his cowardice and general lack of moral fibre.  
Freedom; what is freedom now? I can't go out for fear of being 'got' by the Demon Dogz or the Outcasts or by that new Tribe. I've seen them; they're out to be The Chosen again I reckon. Silver masks to hide them away, all dressed the same. They're trying to steal my freedom; everyone's freedom and it seems that Mayor Ebony is going to let them get away with it. Just so she can get exactly what she wants as per usual.. Selfish pig that she is.  
Home. My home now is a blackened building near that damned Mall. I live alone, trying to face each day knowing there is nothing out there for me. Knowing that there is no real point in me waking up anymore because I'll just go hungry. My old home; my family home with mother, father, four brothers and sister was a nice white house. Then that "Virus" came and stole my parents and three oldest brothers; Matthew, Joseph and Kelsey. My little brother, Shaunee, was never seen again; I don't know whether he's even still alive now. As for my baby sister Garnet, she caught a fever. I had to bury her with my own hands. I can still se the dirt under my nails; the black oozing liquid on my hands as her cold, lifeless body kissed me goodbye with blood from her lungs.   
Pain; we all have our stories to tell, this is mine. I was often smacked a bit at home because I was a bit 'wayward'. When I joined the Locos, it increased because Spike didn't like me. He used to beat me up, cut me and make me bruised all over; mentally and physically. He even raped me once. So I got put through that. Now I'm just left here; picking my scabs, trying to heal my mental wounds; slowly going insane. I can feel it; I'm going mad as the pain from my stomach moves through my bloodstream. When was the last time I ate? Do I care anymore?  
Death; everyone dies. The whole adult population of the world is dead. All the people I gave a fuck for. Now I think it might be my turn to die. I can sense it somehow. I haven't eaten in an age, my stomach feels like it's trying to burst out of my body. Not pleasant. So, here I lie; alone again, hoping that maybe someday, someone will find my scrawled note to society and give a shit or shed a tear for me. Just remember, whoever you are, if someone isn't talking, they may be trying to scream something.  
Bye, and peace.  
Lai; Loco Militia, Loner by nature, Freak, Mother, Daughter, Sister. 


End file.
